Love your enemies…It is good for you!
I am currently reading a book called the stepmother. It is a work of fiction but it gives a very vivid account from the ex-wife and new wife’s perspective about the blending of two families.
It’s not lala land. Everything is not perfect. The two women do not meet and form some sort of instant friendship, like add husband and mix. Not at all. They spend a lot of time wondering, fearing, secretly wishing away and envying each other. But I am at the part where they meet. And it is in a not so good way. In fact it is in a terrible way. A way that could have made them adversaries for life. But because these characters are open, honest and compassionate, I can see cautious and tentative bonds forming. These women actually help each other. They even begin to like each other.
Of course it sucks to know that the man one slept with for years, had babies with and pledged to love forever is now loving another and that another actually spends time parenting said babies, every other weekend and on Wednesday nights, of course it sucks. But it is. And because it is, it must be dealt with. And because it must be dealt with, these characters choose to look past the stereotypes and embrace the humanity. All stepmothers aren’t wicked and all ex-wives aren’t evil. People are sometimes just people. Most are innately good not wicked but sometimes even when they are, there are opportunities to change.
Sounds great right? I wonder how life would be if we adopted this attitude. When things are not magnified in an overly dramatic way. When simple slights do not spark lifelong feuds, when we start to believe the best and not look for the worst? How would it be?
I find that in Nigeria, we are incredibly suspicious. Not that we can be blamed. The average person can name at least one person who has sworn, e no go betta for that person. We have had our belongings pilfered by family members, our loved ones kidnapped through an inside job, we have discovered chicken legs tied together end to end and placed under the bed by our househelps – Don’t act brand new…that stuff doesn’t just happen in the movies.
Not that I haven’t been guilty of this myself (Not the chicken legs o! The being suspicious), I have. I have also had times when I had extended a hand in friendship and drawn it back with blood and teeth marks. I have had people swear for me with such vehemence that you would wonder what I did and be surprised to know that all I did was smile at them at precisely the wrong moment and apparently in the wrong way. I have known people who have no doubt stood in the crossroads naked, in attempt to destroy me, simply because they think they want what I have. Meanwhile like MTV’s the diary…you think you know, but you have no idea!
Ha! I have been woken up in the midnight hour by a nagging and prayed, only to hear later that at that moment, this one was planning for me. Hia! Meanwhile, I don’t have any interaction with these so called enemies. In fact it was on their own that they decided we were enemies, I wasn’t even called to the meeting.
There was something someone said they wished for me that shocked me. I was truly and deeply hurt. Na wetin! I thought. What is it? Even at that moment, God pushed me to see their humanity. Hmm… It is still a process sha, I won’t lie. Every time I take communion I say I have forgiven, but mention their name and an eyebrow goes up.
However today I am once again challenged, to think and see them as humans. Like me. Haven’t I made terrible decisions in anger? Haven’t I said horrible things when I let my emotions get the better of me? If I were judged by every bad thing I ever did, then where would I be today. True I don’t know the way to any babalawo and honey, you can’t catch me at any crossroads, but really can I not understand the fear, the insecurity, the pain, the frustration that gives root to their behaviors? Can I not see the human being that lies beneath? Should I give a dog a bad name and hang it?
I wonder what would happen if we began to give each other the benefit of the doubt. The country that has supposedly some of the happiest people in the world, what would happen if we became the kindest and most compassionate people?
I am not asking you to be naïve and be led to slaughter. There are many people with whom I dine with a very long spoon. In fact there are many with whom I don’t dine at all. However what I think matters most here is how I view and think about them. I can forgive and understand. I can see them as flawed humans like myself. I can also understand that said flaw is quite dangerous and something over which they have no control or no desire to stop and as such I can remove myself from harm’s way if necessary, but I don’t have to hate them right?
I wish you could hear the sigh that escaped as I wrote that line. Some folks make it hard for you to love them. Yet we are commanded to. And I continue to think, especially as I read this simple book that I bought as a distraction, that when we love and lay down suspicion, anger and thoughts of treachery, irregardless of what may come, ultimately it is our lives that are the better for it.And so, I lay you down! If you want to fight, you are fighting yourself. Me, I see you. Just as you are, a scared little person who has no idea of your own strength, power and purpose in this world. I see you. And yes by the grace of God, I love you…And one day, I may like you.
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